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Dear Le Vu, I was flipping through the "Ngay Thanh Mau" edition of Trai Tim Duc Me magazine at my grandmother's house this past weekend due to boredom. At first, I thought that it was not necessary to respond about this issue, but I was unable to shake this off my mind. I came across a disturbing section of the article that I would like to discuss with you. This piece was written by Hurt and confused in the Southwest and titled "I was Violated!" What I found most appalling to me was the response you have given to the writer. I do not know your age or gender. I am not knowledgeable of your background in these situations and I am sure you tried to give the best advices that you have learned and acquired. Still, I believe that there are numerous mistakes in your explanation/advice throughout this particular subject. I do agree with you that this person should forget about these guys, but that's about it. I would like dissect your response with a different perspective. I have no problem with the first paragraph. The next paragraph you started out with "...sad thing that happened to you... nothing seriously happened yet." In this type of situation I would not call it sad but devastating. Though she was not raped she was sexually harassed; a traumatic experience for anyone at any age. Sexual harassment is illegal and can also be counted for assault. As to your statement to "nothing seriously..." it has already become serious. If it was not serious, this person would not have to write to you for advice. Any type of situation against the law is serious. Third paragraph, "But before we point our finger to others, we should take a good look at ourselves... you should take a responsibility for what happened to you that night too. You're allowed yourself to be in the situation right from the beginning." Oh no, she may be at fault, but not fully. If noted, she had stated that she has known "H" for eight years and their fathers are good friends. She had known "K" for three years. She trusted these gentlemen and believed she was safe with them. Though she allowed herself to go out with her friends she did not give permission for anyone to try to rape her. Because she trusted her friend for eight years, she was manipulated and used. Those who should take responsibility that night would be the harasser, "Tuan", and his accomplices. Not only that, she fought with the "Tuan" and repeatedly said that she wanted to go home. She had made it clear that she was not accepting this type of treatment. Fourth paragraph, oh my dear, that sounded down-right smacked sexist. As a female, I am more than insulted by what you have written. You stated that, "...you are a girl, and only 18 years old, why did you go out with 3 boys at 10:30 at night... (Even during daylights I don't think a park is an ideal place for girls to hang out with boys!)" I do not know what century you live in but it is perfectly fine for any woman her age to go to the park and hang out with her friends. Teenagers need to socialize in order to function normally as possible. Since when did the park become a hazardous place to hang out? Should we let little girls and little boys stay away from the park? How about if we separated that park in half; boys side and girls side? Not to mention, along with those three boys, there was another girl at the park with them that night. Fifth paragraph, "I think you and I knew the answer," was the wrong statement. You do not know for a fact if she was allowed to go or not. If she did sneak off, you would not know that either. Your statement implies, you accused her that she went behind her parent's back. You do not know that, only she does. Because of that statement, the readers are going to believe that she sneaked out. Your next statement, "How do you expect people to respect and think highly of you when you have acted and commited wrong doing behind their parent's back?" To me, you have established a belief that she had "committed wrong doing..." and therefore do not respect her. Here, you have already given a judgement upon this girl already. I lied and went behind my parents back before, what child has not done that? Does that mean we all should be disrespected and thought lowly. Sixth paragraph, as a female I am offended by the comments that you have displayed in this magazine. "Good girls don't hang out with boys at a park that late. Good girls don't ever allow a stranger to explore her body." What defines a "good girl?" I happend to went to prom my senior year, 17 years of age, with my parent's permission. After prom, we went to the park and the beach. I did not come home until almost four in the morning. I did not do drugs, drink or did anything sexual. Does that consider me to be a "bad" girl? Or is prom to much for you? Some girls who were actually raped by a stranger-are they bad? How about children who were molested-are they "bad" too? Seventh paragraph, "Please don't think that I am insulting you by pointing out your mistakes." If you are not insulting her, then you are degrading her. Throughout this article you had done nothing to help, but badger her about not being a "good girl" and that she was "asking for it". Are you insulted that I am pointing out your mistakes? I am sure you are offended as ever and think bad innuendos about me. After stating that, you might want to be humble and say that you appreciate the advice with no hard feelings. That's a catch 22 for you. Eighth paragraph, I do not know about you, but when something as serious as this has happened to anyone, I do not think that they can just shake this off. True we can not change our past, but the past does not disappear. If that is true, there would not be charges against rapist or molester. Think about the Church's problem now facing sexual abasement charges. These types of events scar the victims and leave them feeling disgusted with them. Ninth paragraph, I am so very glad that you have directed this person to consult someone with more knowledge. You mention that "in order to have a clear conscience, and stop your 'guilty feelings', I highly recommend you go to confession." It is normal to have these guilty feelings because she believes that she had done something horrible. Discouraging her of these feelings only makes it worse because she already has trouble telling others about it. These things take time and a lot of courage. Not everyone can go up to someone with authority and say that they were sexually abused by this person without feeling shame or guilt. Your last paragraph you started with what I would describe as a sarcastic and played out expression. "Now, dearest," I do not understand the message that you are trying to say. I sense that you might be mocking this person because you did not start out with the letter like this and you have stated over and over again that "good girls" do not behavior in those manners that you have described. Or that you wanted to sound as if you really care about what happened to this girl, so you decided to be gentle? I have no clue, but those are the indications that I understand from your article. You later stated, "You know why it happened to you, and how to handle it; So stop feeling pity for yourself. Let's move on." I am not sure if I have the adequate meaning, but to me it seems like you also know the reason why it happened to her too and that she is a bad girl. Moving on after such an event would be pretty difficult. Maybe you forgot the word "try to" between "Let's" and "move." I hope so. Also mention in the article that she should forget about them, "just ignore or cut them dead from your life from now on." If she should suddenly ignore "H", whom she known for eight years, I think people would find it odd. Also, that the fact she was used and ambushed by her trusted friends make it even worse. The ending, I felt it was a total mockery. I understand that this article was published a year ago, but I believe that you hold a very important role. These readers seek your advice and interest reader critic your response or follow it. You can either shape or break them. Attached to this letter is a copy of the article - highlighted, underlined, and etc. To end this letter, let me give you a background of myself. I am a 21 year old female. I am Vietnamese Catholic, my parents are traditional Vietnamese, I was born in California, USA, and I am currently attending the University of California, Irvine majoring in Psychology. I am looking forward to hear from you. If you have any inquires, please do not hestitate to reply to the address listed above. Sincerely, Anh Nguyen
Đáp: Dear Anh Nguyen, Thanks so much for your letter and comments to my responding in regard to issue 297-298, Sept & Oct 2002. You really made my day! Readers like you made me so happy, and see my works (TBB) are fruitful and worth it. You read, not only for entertainments, but with a mind of thinking, learning, and reflecting. To me, that's only way we can learn to be a better person daily; otherwise, we learn nothing!!! Although I respected your opions and comments, I still stand for what I said. You don't have to agree with me on this if you don't want to. Yes, I do believe that everyone has a right to his (or her) own opinions when looking at a problems! But since the reader (on that edition) asked for my opinions; therefore I gave her my opinions. I gave her what I thought when I studied her problems, and I try the best I can to do it with a straight talking, sincerely, and honestedly. Sometimes I may sound abrupt, tough and not compassionately enough, but I think that is the best and simple way to help someone to recognize his (or her) problems, then try to get over it. It could be right away (short term) or it may take time (long term) depending on each individual. I do believe that most of reader of TBB don't look for "crying shoulders", or someone who can make them feel better after listening to their problems, or maybe someone who dry their tears with a "sweet and love" talk; otherwise, they are looking to a wrong person... Because I am not that one. They have their mother, their father, their sister, their friends, their loved ones who care close by and can do it easier for them. They don't need me for that. I am a humanist, so I believed that everybody (regardless to who or what you are and do), to a point, should take a responsibilities for our own actions and behaviors. Yes, except babies, no one can become victims of anyone if we don't allow it. God gives everyone a "precious gift of freewill" to decide for his or her destiny. In every circumstances, everyone can choose to be "a winner" or "a looser" depending on how he or she chooses to handle it. A person who stepped on "doo-doo" can react into two different ways: suffering with "unpleasant smells" for a long period, or he (she) can go, wash his feet right away, and keep moving on! Well, as you know it's not easy to listen and accept the truth. Most of the times it hurts. But c'est la vie - that's life. When people gives us lemon, we can turn it into lemonade and in the same way when life give us suffering, hurts, and sadness, we can turn them into joy and happiness if we know how to handle them. There are good and bad, happiness and sadness, sorrow and joy, tears and laughs, ect. in everyone's life. We can not separate them. There is a little tear in a laugh, a little sadness in joy, in happiness, or verse. A person can laugh and cry at a same time. Pains, sufferings, sadness can be seen as "garbages," "fertilizers" of human's life. Nobody likes it. It doesn't smell good. But it's surely good for trees and man to grow, be strong, healthy, and mature. Remember, a person can only know a value of a smile when she've learned the real value of tears. God bless.
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